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Thoughts like that make you want to rush out and kiss a turkey in the mouth. Just in case you have never done that before.

Actually, roast turkey, for the first two or three days, is pretty good gobblin's. After that, my enthusiasm wanes more than it waxes. And, I will admit, up front, that I have never been partial to turkey hash - by any name.

In considering the merits of the rare bird, its only flaw is that it has grown too large. If turkeys dressed out somewhere between the size of a bob white quail and a Cornish hen, stores couldn't keep them in stock.

Presumably, the large size is what makes the turkey seem such a bear when most folks consider cooking it. I can't imagine anything simpler. Put it in the grill at 325-350 degrees and leave it alone until it is done. Done, of course, is when the thermometer, inserted in the thickest part of the thigh, registers 165 degrees.

That's the way the pilgrims did it. No plastic bags, no simmering in water and without benefit of pop-up plastic pegs. This Thanksgiving, why not do your turkey the old fashioned way - don't work at it.

One medium size turkey - 12-14 lbs., preferably fresh. If frozen, thaw overnight in the refrigerator. Remove miscellany from cavity and wash thoroughly. Close the neck opening with the flap, and stuff the cavity with:

1 Cup chopped onions
1 Cup chopped celery with leaves
3 bay leaves
1 T. thyme
1 T. rubbed sage
2 cups apple sauce or chopped apples
Stop the opening with a hard French roll or any other suitable, edible.

Fire up the grill for 325 degrees for about 3 1/2 hours. Use white oak and apple wood for flavoring. But lightly. A small amount of smoke, over a 4 hour period, totals up to a heap.

Put the bird on the grill, breast up, and button down the lid. Go catch a football game. No need to even peek until the first half is over. Just make certain that the temperature is steady. Exhaust from the stack should not be less than 310 degrees.

If you are watching a pro game, the bird will almost be finished when the game is. If it is a college game, you will have time to rehash the game before the bird is ready.

After total Time On Grill is about 3 hours, insert the thermometer in the thigh without touching bone, and take a reading. If the temperature is not at least 150, crank up the heat a bit.

When the temperature reaches 165 degrees, remove the turkey and allow it to sit for 10-15 minutes before carving. Be careful, when moving the bird, not to lose the stuffing. It is hot.

Demonstrate your carving prowess and serve a little of the stuffing on the side. Provide fresh ground black pepper and salt.

Give thanks to our founders. Turkeys are much simpler to carve than armadillos.

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